94

My recent email conversations with Jennifer Kabila are now online. Number 6 doesn’t exist yet, but it will soon, and many more, I’m sure.

93

Christmas is here… time to go shopping, I say. There is nothing like places open 24 hours and last-minute panic to inspire holiday gift giving. I always shop at the last minute, not because I’m a procastinator (which I am), but because I generally don’t realize it’s the last minute till that minute is upon me.

I hardly notice holidays at all… most of them show up on the radar, I hear other people talk about them, and then they are past. It takes a big one like Thanksgiving or Christmas to grab my attention. And even an event like Christmas really only draws my interest because I suddenly am filled with a need to do some shopping. The thing about shopping is that I seldom go shopping. I have all of the clothes that I need, and I can pick up things like bread or lunch meat when I run low on one or the other. Lunch meat runs out quicker than nooodles, but when I ate nothing but pasta, I didn’t have to get groceries but once every 3 months (I kept receipts to prove it to).

So shopping is a big deal for me… it involves figuring out how much cash I can spend, what I want to get, and then I have to contemplate the places that will have what I want for the amount I want to spend. Once I arrive at the store, I must deal with the fact that, while I am not the only one shopping, I am certainly the least important and skilled. I have, through experience, found the best way to get through the shopping ordeal is to ignore the fact that other people exist and sweep through the store looking for that which I need. Once I find the item(s), I immediately proceed to the nearest checkout. I don’t go through the line, I simply rip out the upc code, and give this and some cash to the startled cashier and continue moving. Paying $20 for a $15 noisemaker is well worth avoiding any line.

The only disturbing thing this season was the fact that a friend of mine is acting all strange. A little background: this one lady I know invited me out for a Christmas play that she’ll be in. Her x-boyfriend, who is my friend, found out about this and started yelling at her about stealing his friends. As far as the relationship between myself and this lady go, we are nothing more than friends. In fact, we hardly know each other beyond talking on the phone and chatting online. However, my friend and the lady were a couple before my friend decided to play the field and started seeing another girl from another state, and then yet another while he was in Japan. He has also made no effort to seek forgiveness from the original lady, and has no ties to her. So now he has decided that he’ jealous of the nothing that I have with the lady, and is generally angry with both of us, or will be if I go to see the play. And I am going, as I’ve already made plans to attend.

Otherwise, it’s shaping up to be a good holiday. Merry Christmas everybody!

92

I can not allow myself be in that position again. The position I almost face now. I move now to prepare. The balancing act ends now. I will rid myself of these burdens, till all that remains is a trifle.

91

I woke up this morning at 3am,
I don't know why I got out of bed.
The computer called my name,
For others, my life seems so mundane.
I type into night, I type into the dawn.
My eyes droop, my fingers fly.
I wake up, I've pressed k, too many times.
What drives me so?
I really don't know.
The system is my home,
I am never alone.
Eight am... time for work...
Another night, still no sleep.
I'm still behind, I can't deny.
Through bloodshot eyes...
I smile at my plight.
I truly am alive.
- Squegie 12/15/2003

90

Incredible pressure, incredible strain. Everything is swirling around, trying to collapse inwards. I push back to my limit. I push as good as I get. Something is bound to snap, something is bound to break. The pressure builds, and I push harder. I must change course before all is lost. I am getting ready to move, and when I do, it will be fast and furious.